So far 2018 has been like a big old cyclone through my comfortable little life. Four weeks in and I’m uncomfortable af.
I took some time off over Christmas and New Year, aiming to settle into my new business and really align in with my intention for this year. Last year was primarily study and soul searching, so naturally I thought (unconsciously as it so happens) I would do a bit more of the same but more intensively to wrap it all up. I journalled, I blogged, I released my website and e-book out into world, I read some self-help books, I caught a cold – which in my mind acted like a final detox of the departing year – and then I went on my way expecting to ride the high right on into 2018. Who wants to guess how long that lasted?
It just so happens that I had been walking around with my head in the clouds and ignoring some loving warning signals from the universe that something was out of alignment. I kept finding myself in extremely out of the ordinary situations and so unsure why everything in my life was changing.
Relationship – CHALLENGING
Friendships – CHALLENGING
Business – CHALLENGING
Life in General – CHALLENGING
I could feel that something wasn’t right but instead of addressing it, I did anything I could to distract myself from sitting with it and hide the fact that I was struggling. As you do unconsciously though, I kept on charging forward in denial that I needed to be still. ‘I’m really good thanks!’ became my go to. I threw myself into work, started going out every weekend and carried my closest friends and their struggles as if they were my own. I’m talking next level empathy. Until the day I had an anxiety attack at work. My first one in years. It all came bubbling up and I couldn’t distract myself from the relentless chatter in my head anymore. I had carried the burden of having to be ‘together’ all of the time that I didn’t know how to receive. I had sacrificed my boundaries and the weight of that unanchored me from the earth and sunk me deep into my unconscious mind and shadow self where I was constantly riddled with anxiety and obligation and I couldn’t see the path forward anymore.
I was forced to be still. Something I’ve come to learn is that you can only close your eyes for so long. Eventually you have to go inward and enter into the space that bothers you. Really get uncomfortable and sit in the face of that feeling so you can receive what is being provided to you. I had been a stage 5 clinger to the person I should be and the life that I should live (all concocted ever so perfectly in my head btw) and I was shitting my pants at life right now because I was heading towards change and away from comfort zone. I wanted MORE in every aspect and was no longer able to settle with what I had. I loved my life and was proud of my business but it wasn’t enough in that form anymore. I was craving expansion.
Once I had acknowledged that, the answer presented itself to me – Rebels of Light. A transformational, 11-month journey – a collaborative mentoring program – with a very clear goal: to awaken the catalyst in you, so that individually, and united as a community, real and lasting change can be cultivated and witnessed. Calm came rushing back through my body and I knew it was right. Weight = lifted. I realised that wanting more didn’t make me ungrateful for all of the beautiful things that I had, nor did it make me greedy or selfish. It took real courage for me to admit to myself, FINALLY, that something wasn’t right but even more to be ready to do something about it and step out of the fear.
Why am I choosing to share this with you? Because this shit matters. Having the courage to say I’m not okay with this anymore and I want more is something to be celebrated. I refuse to be another leader who only shines a light on the highlights when it is the darkness that leads us into that space. I am going to be monumentally uncomfortable over the next 11 months because without that, there can be no transformation – I’m inviting you along on that journey with me. Know that I am here, listening to you and feeling you, committing to showing up unapologetically for you, in the same way I hope you do. Allow yourself to step away from fear and live from love, I promise you it’s not crowded here.
From my heart to yours,
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