It’s been a minute…
Its been a hot minute since the last time I popped in here. SO much has changed. I’ve been feeling the pull to re-connect but I needed to make sure I was ready, like really ready to get real about the last 8 months.
8 months ago my 6 year relationship ended. Even writing that brings up a host of emotions for me: its only been 8 months then 8 months is such a short period of time like don’t get too excited followed closely by its really been 8 months – *sighs relief* and feels gratitude and pride swelling on a cellular level. I know if it was me reading this I’d immediately want to know why we broke up and the answer to that is honestly, we grew apart.
When I think back about the last 6 years, I realise how much people change and settle into who they really are in the early years of being an adult. When I turned 18 I was adamant I was the epitome of alignment and I knew exactly how the rest of my life would map out, (I swear I’m not the only one right..) but as I sit here getting closer to 25 and coming out the other side of my first real heartbreak, I realise just how much I was guided and influenced into those ideas and just how far I’ve come from that original life map.
Being forced into independence has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I never wanted to be single, absolutely no interest whatsoever and I always used to joke, but was actually low-key serious, that all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother as quickly as possible. I based every decision in my life around reaching that goal and when it was ripped away from me, guess what happened.. my life was over. I can have a little giggle now about how dramatic I was but because of where I’d placed my anchor (in someone else), my whole world spun out of control and I had a very shit time ahead of me. Lets not lie and pretend we haven’t seen a billion times the old one liners like ‘home is wherever I’m with you’ or ‘sometimes home has a heartbeat’ paired the instagram photo of our cute boyfriend. Yeaaaaaaah well, this was actually me and we can all guess how well that worked out for me…
So, being an Aries, I’m naturally a super independent sassy firecracker with lots to say and even more to feel but when I was in a relationship I lost that. I got so caught up in ‘adulting’ and the way I thought my life needed to look that we became one instead of two (absolutely no-ones fault) and when I literally was just one, I was left feeling like I’d lost my identity and had zero clue who I even was anymore. Let me tell you sister, that’s a real rough time. What I had done without even realising was placed literally my whole life into the hands of someone else (lets take a minute to appreciate the weight of that on that someone else, soz dude) and made that person my anchor. Goodbye independence and cue all of the grand life questions – what am I even doing with my life? How did I even get here? What do I do now I’ve built my whole life and business around someone else? Am I going to be lonely forever?.. fuck no-ones ever going to love me again. NIGHTMARE
I’d created a one way ticket to clingy central with a side of 24/7 anxiety and an inability to spend any time by myself. I actually have anxiety thinking about it… Naturally my biggest fear as I entered a solo life was being alone and can I just say that now, with a lot of soul searching and forced time by myself, its genuinely pretty high up on my list of things I like to do. Miracle, I know.
Here’s what the last 8 months solo, or what I like to call ‘new me who dis’ have taught me:
- Breakups are the shittest time and there is no such thing as ‘accelerated healing’. No shit, that’s literally a thing I said.. “like it sucks and my life is currently over but I’ll be okay because I’m super conscious of my emotions and because I’m a life coach I feel like I’ll have an accelerated healing”. Lets all laugh together. Feeling the weight and depth of my emotions was imperative for me. Not once did I ever enjoy it but it allowed me the space to remember how fortunate I am to have experienced love in a way that made me feel the way I was feeling in loss. Everyone is super quick to give you advice (bless) but what I realised is it’s more important to listen to the advice you have for yourself – hey soul – and less about comparing how you are feeling to how someone else in a similar situation did.
- You can’t put a timeframe on it. I always thought I would reach a point where I would just be over it, it wouldn’t hurt anymore and I’d just be me again. I was wrong. I looked so hard in the earlier stages for an article that would just lay it all out for me, almost like I was looking for a timeline of how I’d be feeling at what point and when I’d finally feel free of the weight of the past. Obviously I never found it because common sense would tell me that it’s different for everyone but I was clinging onto anything I could get because I was sitting in the fear of the rest of my life. When I sit and reflect back on the time that has past, what I realise is that everything came to me in perfect timing and I was always provided for. I was never ready for the next phase or the next feeling but when are we ever really ready for what comes next in life? Every time I thought I was good, growth and expansion came knocking on my door and I had to step into a version of myself I hadn’t met before. Challenging, emotional and super uncomfortable but unavoidable and a blessing.
- Society teaches us how our lives should look. Man this really irks me. It’s ingrained in us from such a young age that to be successful you have to love, be loved and have the right things. Marriage, kids, house, cars, piece of paper that says you’re qualified and all as quickly as possible. It’s all based on what your life looks like and not how your life feels. Here’s a thought, what if you have all of the above and you actually hate your life? You’re in an unhappy marriage or you work a shitty 9-5 like a slave instead of tapping into your passion? What then? Eat, sleep, work, repeat until you die? None of those things matter if you aren’t happy. If the above is your jam then grab it with everything you’ve got, but if not what is? Where does your passion lie? Do you want to travel? Trade university for life skills? Get out into the world and immerse yourself in independence, opportunity and explore your own capabilities exclusive of what everyone else thinks you should be doing. Accepting that my life wasn’t going to be what I thought it would at this point and releasing the weight and pressure of what I’ve been taught I had to have at this age my whole life has been a mission and a half but I can choose differently every single day. My life is just that, mine and so is yours. Wherever you’re at is perfect as long as you’re happy. We’ve literally got nothing but time.
- Compromise and sacrifice are not the same thing. One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is that compromise and sacrifice are not the same thing. In my relationship I sacrificed. I downplayed and hid core parts of myself because they made other people uncomfortable. When I think about it now it saddens me how natural it was for me to do that and how out of alignment I became with myself. Being unattached has been a wake up call and I’m still being met with the depth of my soul on the daily now. Compromise on what you want for dinner, not the type of person you are or what you want in life.
- You have to make bad choices. I have made some questionable decisions in the last 8 months. I’ll probably look back on these in future and really shake my head at how loose and bulletproof I thought I was at that point. Do I regret it? Not for a second and I never will. Why? Testing the limits is essential for growth. I had to do things I’d never done before to see if they worked for me. For such a long time I was a Nanna trapped in a young body. I settled so quickly that I missed the part where you live carelessly, go out and have fun and not think about the consequences. I was a control freak about everything in my life and naturally I carried an immense amount of stress around with me because of it. Winging my life has been an experience that I needed. Sunday sesh’s, being a sloth crawling to pay day cause I’d spent all my money on alcohol and plane tickets and being down for whatever whenever has taught me an incredible amount about who I am and how important having fun is for me.
- Vulnerability is necessary. Even though I’ve been riding the fun train, I felt like something was missing from my life, aside from a partner. I started reading a book called ‘Deeper Dating’ by Ken Page. I learnt pretty quickly that one of my core values is connection and without it I feel out of balance. But with connection comes vulnerability and it scares the shit out of me. Allowing myself to be vulnerable means opening my soul and being me unapologetically. It means letting people in and letting my guard down and sometimes that equals being hurt. In those moments though I open myself up to growth and expansion and I have to ask myself, isn’t it worth it? I’m reminded a lot lately that nothing beautiful in life comes from staying in your comfort zone. Sometimes you have to hold your own hand and step off the diving board. You’re ready.
So, on that note, I’m stepping off the diving board and opening myself, my website and coaching packages back up to you, vulnerability hangover and all.